I'm sharing my experience of being self-realized the third time when I failed to surrender to the benevolent force 2 times earlier. I believe this article will be helpful for those who are struggling with different cycles or stages of Kundalini and give some insight on how to deal with it. Kundalini rising has an expansive phase and contractive phase. Expansive phase is when you feel 100% connected with the source and follow its guidance by honoring your intuition. But if you mess up and play with it, you will lose the power and it will go back to its dormant state which is called the Contractive phase of the Kundalini. Now when it coils back down, it is still active but pointing towards your ego side where you still need to do lot of healing work before you can come into reunion with your twin flame.
Why did I experience dark night of the soul again (Third Time)?
I started experiencing unusual phenomena in mid - 2016 around September. I was having episodes of sleep paralysis, brain zaps, emotional breakdowns, existential terror, strange coincidences, synchronicities, and a sense of being intelligently guided somewhere — though I had no idea where. Then in February of 2017, during a solar eclipse, I had a lucid dream in the middle of the night. In this dream I heard someone saying - YOU ARE BEING SHIFTED and I WILL PROTECT YOU! and then kundalini fully awakened — instantly, but over the next few hours. I woke up saying, CAUSE, EFFECT and REDEMPTION. It was exquisite, all the weight was lifted off of my chest and I felt extremely light. I was in extreme bliss. Some involuntary power woke me up at 3 am in the morning and guided me to do Surya Namaskar. I did the asanas and went back to sleep. During the day I felt like a baby - who just wanted to eat and sleep. It was a mixed feeling of ecstasy and tiredness. An orgasmic power was flowing through and around my body. In fact, my body was lit up like a Christmas tree with scintillating vitality. My ego and neuroses all fell away and I could see/understand life perfectly clearly. I experienced ‘me’ as a large open space of pristine awareness. It continued flowing like this for the next two months. Over this time, I realized that the energy would flow more fully the more I relaxed and surrendered, both physically and mentally. On the other hand, if I focused my attention on something external too much, i.e. trying to concentrate on solving a problem rather than relaxing and trusting and surrendering, the energy would then slow down and contract into a ball or knot inside my belly. But I had no idea that if I were to over - concentrate for too long or did not channelize it properly, the energy might disappear altogether. This is exactly what happened!! One day in September 2019 (Saturn was on my ascendant and went direct) I was sitting in my room and reading my health course article. I suddenly heard Saturn say - "you made a mistake and my Kundalini just went rolling back down". And then suddenly — blip — the power was cut off. It was just like a power cut: the Christmas tree was no longer shining and my mind turned to dark mud. The biggest lesson it taught me was that "I was not listening!" It was then I learnt that - it came as a gift from God and the gift could be taken away anytime if I played with it too much. Just like there is a saying - If you want to test the character of someone - give him the power. I misused the power and so I was back to my old miserable self with my neurotic fears. I felt distraught, abandoned, but most of all ashamed. I felt ashamed because (it seemed) I had received a great blessing but then I had let it slip through my fingers before sharing it with others. I had done my best to understand how kundalini became switched on and off, and what makes it glow more fully or less fully, and how one should best prepare to live with it and integrate it — but my experience had abruptly ended long before I had managed to complete the project.
But this time the lessons were straight forward. The sound of my intuition was loud and clear. All my visions that I saw during awakening (feb 2017) started unlocking. This was my dark night of the soul again (Self - Realization - 3rd time), and it lasted from Nov - 5 - 2019 to June - 30 - 2020. I was in a state of despair. Also, I came to know that I'm in Twin Flame journey. So I started researching along that too. I began to recover by coming across an online support group for people guiding about Twin Flames and a spiritual healer/ astrologer who helped me connect the dots. There are many thousands of people all over the world who are either struggling with the early symptoms of prana rising, basking in the full flow of kundalini, or tumbling into the black hole of a power die-off.
Kundalini awakening (i.e. the full flow) usually comes and goes in cycles because the average person cannot handle the super-torrent of energy for long. In some cases the flow will carry on for years, months or weeks, for some it’s just days or hours or even a few minutes. For me it lasted for full 3 years and until it went back to hibernation in september 2019.
There is a definite cycle to the whole thing:
When Kundalini goes back into hibernation. Try not to despair! After all, the cycle is simply starting over again. All it means is that its pointing towards another layer of your ego. Its asking you to (Re)learn all the lessons.
As one purifies and meditates, the nervous system releases tensions. As a result, more nervous energy begins to emerge here and there (pranotthana). I was guided to do Breathe work to remove all negative energies and come to a state of zero. This breathe work is also known as Inner work in the context of Twin Flames. The idea is to remove layers of ego (negative energies) and get closer to your soul (positive energies) because soul is divine.
This causes weird reactions and symptoms as it clears out the system of old habits and resistances. These must be allowed to unfold naturally. Break the pattern. Let go of the old habits like Blame game, victim mentality, bad-mouthing people, talking behind people's back, your crazy dramatic self, impatience, trust issues, self-sabotaging behavior etc. My biggest lesson was to learn to listen to my intuition, trust it and follow it!
Another lesson was to learn to take 100% responsibility of my own actions. Accept my mistakes, admit them and transform them. Basically heal your past traumas and inner child wounds.
In terms of my Twin Flame journey, I was asked to do complete surrender to my Twin. Let go of my past completely and heal all parts of my wounded ego.
Nevertheless, it demanded me to make an extreme change in my career. I was guided to quit my job and take up Occult Sciences like Astrology, Tarot and writing a Blog.
My Diet also needed a huge change that supported the alignment of my higher consciousness. I had to quit non-veg and switch to eating wholesome food (plant based food). I specifically received guidance from my higher consciousness to drink green smoothies.
Once you learn to surrender, body - mind - spirit gradually come into greater alignment. So does one’s inner world and outer world. There is a sense of “things coming together,” like whatever you think will manifest immediately or you will be able to sense before hand as in what's coming towards you.
Then suddenly, spontaneously, kundalini itself arises like a phoenix in all her glory. This is something you can’t make happen. You can only get yourself sufficiently out of the way to enable it to happen. Willfulness and control are like kryptonite to kundalini. Surrender is the only thing required.
While kundalini is in full force, she can change your life. You may be healed of old illnesses; you may feel decades younger; you may be inspired to do great things; you may have one foot in the material world and another in the realm of spirit. There is much to be learned and many blessings to be shared.
Having started, the cycle doesn’t really stop. One is always somewhere in the cycle. The way ahead through the cycle is always to relax, surrender, pay attention to the intelligence of the body, and trust that the most benevolent force in the universe knows what it’s doing.
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