When we don't receive the love we expect from our mother or father, we tend to search it outside - in our partner, in our friends, at work (in the form of respect) from our colleagues/Boss, by travelling and exploring the world, or engaging in any other activity that makes us feel complete with ourselves. This very search of love outside is a misguided search for happiness and becomes the prescription for failure, disappointment and suffering in life. Because you would still come across people that trigger your wounds reminding you of your incomplete relationship with your mother and father.
Love is a state of being! It's not something that can be bought in store, so why search it outside?
Did you know that your ability to receive love from others is linked to the ability to receive love from your mother/father. Emerging evidence suggests that effects of trauma can pass from one generation to other - what is known as Inherited Family Trauma.
LET US SEE HOW?
The stress or the trauma is passed on to us from our ancestors during our birth. It was passed onto your parents by your grandparents during their birth. And from your parents to you and your siblings during your birth. We take into consideration a cycle of three generations. Let's discuss my example here - This means that before my mother was even born, my grandmother already had traces of my mother and me in her reproductive organs. And when my mother was born she was already carrying the traces of me and my siblings as an unfertilized egg in her ovaries. So you see the programming of the cells for my mother and myself was already induced in my grandmother when she was born. It's like She (my grandmother) had been carrying that cellular information since her own birth which is passed onto us in the form of genes. Hence, the term genetic mapping of the family. This term is commonly used in biology to trace down the medical history of the family because clearly the 3 generations are seen to share the same biological environment. Similarly your inception can be traced in your Paternal line - your Father's side! The precursor cells of the sperm you developed from were present in your father when he was a fetus in his mother's womb.
Your Father's sperm continued to multiply when he reached puberty, whereas your mother was born with her lifetime supply of eggs. Now your mother and father met at the age of 25 or 30, got married, and you were born. This means one of the eggs from your mother was fertilized by your father's sperm and eventually developed into who you are today. So until you were born your father and mother were both susceptible to traumatic events happening in their life. The events could be in the form of experiencing family stress, financial struggles, break-ups, divorce, health issues, physical fights with friends, arguments with their own parents, broken relationship with their own parents, hardships in general, anger, insecurity, miscarriage etc. Where does all of this go? It is stored in different organs of our body especially Liver - for liver is the biggest detoxifying organ in our body. And all of these organs are associated with corresponding chakras - the energy centers in your spiritual body. Therefore, all of this trauma if not resolved, in time, is passed on to the subsequent generation. The implications of which lead to an imbalance in your spiritual body - the yin and yang! These inherited energies or trauma is what makes you relive the past again and again unconsciously. You would even notice a pattern repeating in your life or feel like you are stuck and going in circles. It is this unresolved family trauma or the unspoken truth that often is the main reason behind your struggles - that most people are unaware of. This serves as one of the greatest roadblocks in stopping you from living a wholesome life and is the actual reason behind your undiagnosed diseases, unexplained financial struggles and unworthy relationships.
Fragments of Life experience and memories can pass on reaching for the resolution in the minds and bodies for those living in present. Therefore, we must identify the inherited family patterns, the fears, the feelings, and the behavior we have unknowingly adopted that keep the cycle of suffering alive from generation to generation.
Parents can never be ejected from us. Rejecting them only distances us further from ourselves and causes more suffering. When we reject our mother, we can unconsciously distance ourselves from the comforts of life. Security, safety, nurturance, care - all the elements associated with mothering - can feel missing in our lives. No matter how much we have, it can feel like we never have enough.
The effects of rejecting a father can be equally limiting. A man, for instance, who rejects his father can experience himself as uncomfortable or self-conscious in the company of other men. He can even find himself hesitant or reluctant to embrace the responsibilities associated with being a father - regardless of whether or not his father was the family provider or the family failure. Unfinished business with either parent can cloud our work life as well as our social life. By unconsciously replaying unresolved family dynamics, we are likely to create conflicts instead of authentic connections. With old projections aimed at our bosses or coworkers, it can be difficult to flourish. However, we assume that the more we distance ourselves from our parents, the less likely we are to live similar lives and repeat their challenges. But the opposite is truer - when we distance ourselves from them we tend to become more like them and often lead lives similar to theirs. For example, if our father is or was rejected for being an alcoholic or failure, we can drink or fail just like him. By unconsciuosly following in his footsteps, we establish a covert bond with him by sharing what is perceived as negative in him.
How Personal guilt can suppress success?
Many Self-help books promise us financial success and fulfillment if only we follow the author's prescribed plan. Strategies such as developing effective habits, expanding our social network, visualizing our future success, and repeating money mantras are touted as ways to prosper. But what about those of us who never seem to achieve our goals no matter what we do or which plan we follow.
When our attempts at success seem to collide with roadblocks and dead ends, exploring family history can be important direction to pursue. Unresolved traumatic events in our families can hinder how success flows to us and how well we are able to receive it.
Sometimes we have personally taken advantage of people or hurt them in a way that has created significant suffering. Maybe we acquired an undeserved sum of money through manipulation or subterfuge, such as by marrying for wealth or embezzling from the company we work for. When such an event takes place, we often cannot hold on to this financial gain. Regardless of whether we feel guilty or not, or whether we consider the consequences of our actions or not, we and/or our children can live meager lives to balance the harm we have done.
All in all, the consequences of our actions, the effects of unresolved family traumas, our relationship with our parents, and entanglements with members of our family system who suffered can all be obstacles that stand in the way of our success. Once we make the link to the past and integrate what remains out of balance in the present, we have taken a crucial step. When everyone and everything is held with respectful consideration, the unfinished business from the past can remain in the past, allowing us to move forward with more freedom and financial ease. The list of questions below can help you discern if there is a core trauma in your family history standing in your way.
Family trauma often expresses itself in our verbal language, the emotionally charged words we use to describe our struggles and worries. Thus, providing significant key words and clues that lead to its origin.To find the source or the core origin of the relationship issue, asking the following 4 questions are immensely helpful. With each question we listen for the dramatic, emotionally charged words that arise.
The core complaint: What is your greatest complaint about your partner?
The Core Descriptors: What are some adjectives and phrases you would use to describe your mother and your father?
The Core Sentence: What is your worst fear? What's the worst thing that could ever happen to you?
The Core Trauma: What tragic events occurred in your family history?
The Core Language of Relationships:
For many of us, our greatest yearning is to be in love and have a happy relationship. Yet because of the way love is often expressed unconsciously in families, our way of loving can be to share the unhappiness or repeat the patterns of our parents and grandparents. In that case we need to ask ourselves one question: Are we truly available for our partner?
No matter how successful we are, how wonderful our communication skills, how many couples retreats we have attended, or how deeply we understand our own patterns of avoiding intimacy, as long as we are entangled with our family history, we can distance ourselves from the one we love most. Unconsciously, we will repeat family patterns of neediness, mistrust, anger, withdrawal, shutting down, leaving, or being left, and blame our partner for our unhappiness when the true source lies behind us. Many of the problems experienced in a relationship do not originate in the relationship itself. They stem from dynamics that existed in our families long before we were even born. With the myriad unconscious loyalties that operate invisibly under the surface of our lives, it might be more apt to say that love - the unconscious love expressed in families - can conquer our ability to sustain a loving relationship with our partner.
If a woman died giving birth to a child, for example, a wave of repercussions can engulf the descendants in unexplained fear and unhappiness. The daughters and granddaughters can fear getting married, as marriage can lead to children and children can lead to death. On the surface, they might say they don't want to be married or have children. They might complain that they have never met the right guy or that they are too busy to settle down. Beneath their complaints, their core language would tell a different story. Their core sentences resonant with family history, might sound something like this: "If I get married, something terrible could happen. I could die. my children would be without me. They would be all alone.
Fears like these lurk around in the background of our lives and unconsciously drive many of the behaviors we express and the choices we make and don't make.
If you have challenges with your partner, don't automatically conclude that your partner is the source. Instead, listen to the words of your complaints without blaming your partner or becoming captivated by the emotions. Ask yourself:
Does my relationship mirror a pattern in my family history?
Do these words sound familiar?
Do I have the same complaint about my mother or father?
Did my mother or father have the same complaint about the other?
Did my grandmother or grandfather struggle in a similar way?
Is there a parallel between two or three generations?
Does my experience with my partner mirror how I felt as a small child with my parents?
When we explore the core language of our relationship complaints, we often find a family story line that is familiar. These resentments or accusations often show up in our partnership or our close friendship. What is unresolved with our parents does not disappear automatically it shows up in our life in our later relationship. We allow these painful memories accurate or distorted to override the good things that our parents gave to us. Meditation or core descriptors is a doorway to unconscious feelings. These feelings are stored in us during childhood based on how we were treated by our parents. The core descriptors or these adjectives highlight the old images or experiences of the past that prevent us from moving forward.
As kids we are recorders of this information and store it as feeling states. We hold these painful images of our parents of not giving us enough, not being there, not taking our side, not standing by our side. If these images or feelings go unchecked then they can form the blueprint of how our lives will continue. The intense or urgent words we use to describe our deepest fears - that's our core language. We can also hear it in the complaints we have about our relationships, our health, our work, and other life situations. These emotionally charged words of our core language are keys to the non declarative memories that live both in our bodies and in the "body" of our family system. They are like gems in our unconscious mind waiting to be excavated. If we fail to recognize them as messengers, we miss important clues that can help us unravel the mystery behind our struggles. Once we dig them out, we take an essential step toward healing trauma.
When we make the link to what sits behind our fears and symptoms, we are already opening up new possibilities for resolution. Sometimes the new understanding alone is enough to shift the old painful images we hold and initiate a visceral release that can be felt in the core of our body. In other cases, making the link merely increases understanding, but more is needed to fully integrate what we have learned. We will need sentences, rituals, practices, or exercises to help us forge a new inner image. The new image can fill us with a reservoir of calm, becoming an internal reference point of peace that we can return to again and again. With new thoughts, new feelings, new sensations, and a new brain that starts to compete with our old trauma reactions and their power to lead us astray. Overtime, the good feelings start to become familiar and we begin to trust our ability to return to solid ground even when our foundation has been temporarily shaken. This can be achieved by practicing inner work. Inner work is an inner engineering process which aims at cleansing the spiritual body and making it more open to new neural pathways. It involves spiritual practices like Meditation, Breathwork, Yoga, Chakra Balancing etc.
My story:
My mom is the reason I separated from my husband and she is the reason I'am able to unite with myself and my husband. She is the reason for separation because I carried an unhealed relationship with her in to my marriage which is why I attracted a partner like her. And She is the reason for my union because I chose to forgive her and thank her for supporting me in my spiritual development. With forgiveness comes detachment! I understood that I don't have to follow their family patterns, I'm not obligated to do so. So, I love them even more because I see myself in them and them in me. Yet stay detached from my feelings of hatred and anger towards her, stay detached from my fears, my negative thoughts, and my expectations from her. I accept her the way she is and the ways in which she chooses to express her love.
When I was with my husband - I used to say three things about him:
He is just like my Mom. If I don't get along with my mom, I'm not going to get along with him.
He doesn't appreciate me or respect me. He blames me out of jealousy.
I don't have good communication with him.
We do not have a good physical or emotional relationship. He is never able to understand my emotions.
These are the three main complaints, I had with him. Then I analyzed my relationship with my mother closely and to my surprise, I found out that I had the same three complaints with my mother as well.
She never appreciates me for what I do for her or for the family
I can never have a peaceful conversation with her. She is always finding ways to demean me. She tries to put everything on me out of jealousy and insecurity.
She never hugs me; or comes and sits by me; and says that everything will be ok.
This was an eye-opener for me and the answers to all my questions and suffering in life. Now I understood why God was asking me to practice Ho'oponopono - a prayer of forgiveness and gratitude towards her. That's because if I could forgive my mother then I would gain the strength to forgive my husband as well. For my husband had just been reflecting the wounds my mother gave me. For whatever she was doing she was doing it unconsciously. Also, she was doing it probably because she had been carrying the same pain of not being treated well by her own husband - my dad. The pain could have also been passed on to her from her own mother - My granny and was carried forward into me when I was born. So, I investigated a little more about my maternal side of the family and evaluated my mother's relationship with her own mother and my dad. I asked her if she had any complaints with them.
To my surprise - she had the following complaints with them that were exactly same as me:
Your dad never appreciated me or respected me until we moved to america - for about 15 years into marriage
Your dad would never let me talk or express myself openly. He always cuts me off and tells me to stay quite.
He never apologizes to me. I'm always the first one to compromise and let go.
She also mentioned that her relationship with her mother was also very casual. No one ever much cared about anybody or had any expectations of anyone. So, I feel she has never been loved enough.
All this information provided a clear understanding to me that I'm simply being a victim of this family karmic pattern which is being carried forward from at least three generations - My Nanny, My Mom and Me. And Universe is telling me to break this pattern.
So what did I do to break this pattern?
I followed the universal guidance! Started practicing meditation for one hour that included - 30 mins of Ho"oponopono and 30 mins of Mantra chanting! During meditation I had profound revelations about the source of my pain and suffering. I saw that my mother did the same thing to me that my mother in law and my husband did. She never appreciated me out of jealousy and her insecurities. And all this time I had been accusing myself of not being good enough for her. In that moment I understood that its not me to be blamed for anything and that I shouldn't carry any resentment towards her because its her own fear of being insecure and feeling of lack that's making her treat me in a demeaning way. This literally shook me! Coz I had been blaming my husband and mother in law of being jealous of me and trying to bring me down always due to their inferiority complex. Furthermore, I saw that my brother mocked me by clubbing with my mother and my husband did the same by clubbing with my mother in law or my sister. My sister also always enjoyed making fun of me in front of my husband along with him.
Now I knew what I needed to heal? I got answers to all my questions as to why universe separated me from my husband and brought me back home to mom and dad; so I could figure out my relationship with my mom, dad, brother and sister. And then reunite with my husband again. It was like Divine was asking me if I could forgive and accept my brother, sister, mom and dad then I sure can forgive and accept my husband and my mother in law. I was wonderstruck at the power of meditation - how it can bring things to light and reveal your deepest unattended wounds and also give answers to your unresolved pain, grief and suffering. Doing spiritual practices daily and visualizing a loving and healthy relationship with my mother and my husband (my twin) enabled me to feel at peace and happy within myself. Now when my mom and I have an argument, I don't go in to my shell and cry or sulk for days. Rather I'm able to let it go and bounce back with in minutes. Also cleansing myself daily has helped me forgive my husband and my in laws at the soul level. Now when I think of them I do not feel any resentment or agitation/anger towards them. I thank them everyday for they are the reason I got onto the path of spirituality which helped me found my purpose in life. Had they not triggered my wounds I would have never been able to break the cycle of suffering, lack, frustration, not being able to forget and forgive.
Reference Book - "It didn't start with you" by Mark Wolynn!
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